le histoire lecon

le histoire d' Adèle H.

i didn't lie. i am only paradoxical. Pls don't ignore me.

Everyone has had a paragraph on waiting. From Barthes to the World. To the poignancy of cliches. As lately as chanel ceased. To wait.k copied the whole paragraph on a paper. Was the hand mad as it wrote? As he walked towards his car. What became clearer was her anguish.

"i'll wait for you among books and strangers". i could have forgotten that line. It seems like a long time ago. What kind of childish wilfulness had enabled me to sit there? Reading the unbearable lightness of being? Thank you for killing that.

The shop closed at page --. You never came. i went home. i took supper. Showered. And slept.

Then i gave C a message. She called almost at once. And started cursing. All i could say was- "it was not his fault".

"j, why me?"

"why not?"

"j, tell me you said that..."

that was a long time ago

No reason. i just liked you. Really really liked you. Not anybody else but you.

-----------------------------------

Tell me something good about the world.

'' you exist''

i do

and that's hard for me to reconcile with the world

but you will never get it

yesterday you had your lesson on waiting. not the first nor the last. not a stretch. how excited you were to to let me know you had arrived. how you sat through the lesson waiting for my reply. when i didn't, you asked to see my table, of course i was not there, you said nevermind and that you would just leave a note. you had to make it quick but your mind was rather blank in the presence of your guide and my neighbour. so the guide said she averted her eyes as it was not nice to see and asked me if i've seen the note today. and my neighbour said he thought you were a vendor and wondered how the hell you got passed the security to my table and why was the guide being a guide. he said you said nevermind, you would leave a note, tore a paper from your writing pad, wrote something, left it on my table and left. disappointment. can you write disappointment? perhaps you came in your favourite shirt. in this story, we shall always disappoint each other. i never told you the time you asked me if i've dreamt of you. i did. you were always in a room and i was outside. you refused to see me and i left. it recurred a few times 3 years ago.

i showed my neighbour your note. we laughed a bit at his misconjectures. sometimes at a strange point in life, you realize the irreversiblility of your actions, that you have wounded someone. at that point, i almost did. i apply my love with childish cruelty. and a lot of pride. "not anybody else but you". what i realized was, no amount of words would assauge the brunt and any true feelings i might let on my part would be translated as mind-fucking. irony. it's ok, you can take it. i can take it too. 2 years ago, my therapist said one day i would drive you away for good. i would be incurably sad, of course. or just sad.

you might drive me away first. i thought you did, many times.