do what you want and fuck the rest

thank you for the post s s s

the biggest biggest biggest smile for hm

this man

as he turned to the bookshelves to get something


i regarded him


i realized that's his back

i've never looked at him like from a distance or as a stranger

why do i desire my therapist

why do i desire to be desired by my therapist

this man who cuts an awkward figure in his shirt

he probably thinks he cuts a swanky and young figure in his shirt and jeans

he probably thinks a white shirt and jeans is foolproof

i cant place why it doesn't look as good as it should

is it the cut, or his figure,... he's not fat

why do i not desire to be desired by a more desirable man

nevermind he has aged a lot

i cant help but notice the spots and lines

he is so pleased with himself

why do i need to be read by a person like that

"are you taking good care of yourself?"

yes

he is so full of himself

he probably prided himself on taking great care of himself

from his gastronomic preferences to using matching aftershave and eau de toilette

whatever

indeed we are pathetic

there is a murakami character marveled by the protagonist and one day he realized the marveled character lives in his own private hell. he fucked around, was rich and intelligent, had an unique opinion about literature but took pride in nothing. you can guess what happened to him

i do not want to deride what matters to me

you matter to me but i despise you

and i despise myself

the curious couch

ok, this isn't pornographic like the curious couch
but someone said that therapist is the rapist
before you read a compilation of categorized suicide notes,
the prologue tells you it is pornography to read people's innermost last thoughts
if you have time, you might want to check out stereo porno which doesn't sound as sexciting as it's termed

so i am going to start with the end of the session

at the end of the session
my therapist gave me the old friend hug
so he's like arms outstretched
and i moved to him like a block and let him envelope me
he failed to suffocate me but as a result of our height difference and the force of it
my lips were stamped on his neck, i briefly thought about rubber stamps and ink blots
in order to breathe, i had to hold him. away. at arm's length. and so exchanged byes and take cares.

what transpired earlier> some of the pointless things we also exchanged-

"you never tell the whole story straight but parts of the story. if you scratch the surface"

"what happened to x?blah blah blah"

me: it's y, not x, and it's a not b. are you so lousy with names?

"no, i remember people who are important to me. i remember your name."

"it is good that you are seeing someone so there's a sounding board"

me:i have a lot of friends

"but your friends are useless or you wouldn't be ......"

me: no they are not

" ok, what does he do?"

me : i dunno. i dun talk about people i see

" what's his name?"

me: i dunno

" you're kidding"

me: ok, do you want me to make up some name for you right now? would that be gratifying? why don't i ask him to come now?

"great. i would tell him he's,.....a fool"

then we talked about dreams and mostly nightmares involving animals and children
when i drew my breath as if to speak but halt he would go " yes, say" so encouragingly and patiently i wanted to laugh
and then he wanted to know about the person i was seeing again
at this point i decided to describe someone who has qualities that he doesn't possess

me: keith

" that's not his real name right? what does he do?"

me: his real name. he is nice, cute, interesting, healthy. he has natural rosy cheeks. he sends me songs on msn. and he's erm... really cute.

" are you sure it's not lust?"

me: maybe

" and he doesn't smoke?"

me: yeah. he's young.

" younger than you?18?"

me: younger than me.

me: ididn't quit smoking for him though he has asked me a few times"

" how did he ask?"

me: like won't you fucking quit smoking?

" that's very nice"

me: he says he wants to see me around for a little longer

"the next time i see you. you would be smoking, keith would be gone, and i'll be around."

(i was quite getting the hang of it by then. persuasion-seduction-persuasion-seduction....)


" so you were saying the person you are seeing is doing...?"

me: i didn't say anything about his occupation
( see how he tries to trick me at times)



"well, i'm happy for you. continue to take whatever you are taking. you look great. you used to look like a dopehead."

my therapist nurses political ambitions. has been invited to be a member, watching him self importantly describing his boheme image at the meeting, i could see through him, his shallowness and how he cannot escape the trappings of the neo bourgoise. intelligent, nevertheless but shallow.

we are pathetic.


man, i really feel like smoking after that session, for the first time since i quit 2 months ago,

and it's been more intense today
but friends are so encouraging
and today c said something " i never felt like she's quit."
that's different encouraging too.