we have slipped into a very comfortable companionship
away from the crowd
in a private apartment
with a great view i didnt bother to see
even with the binoculars
drinking bitter lemon and corona
watching dvd
great movie
great drinks
night driving
and thinking about something new to do next week
to be happy
Saturday, July 21, 2007
another old familiar tune
he: so what have been up to lately?
i realized we could talk to each other like when we first started seeing each other and totally forget our mutual friend
about movies that defined our generation that torched the child-like wonder in him
of course we talked about adjani's movies, the epitome of tragic heroine
he thinks tragic and beautiful is very much like me and that still embarrasses me
it was great to see him again after ...a year or two, i can't be sure
it was the day that i met another ghost of the past
life has its way of reminding you the remains
of what might have been
and what remains not
and bad timing in general
me: i live life like a sleepwalker. my day job, weekend hangouts, no alarm and no surprises
he :but you took french didn't you
me: yeah 2 months
he: i picked up the guitar recently and you know when you can play a tune, you just wanna play more
me:'that's great, i'm glad you found guitar but i have no passion to live for
many weeks ago, i bumped into someone i used to see and we had supper with a mutual friend
he said he's sighted me a few times coz he couldn't missed me in a crowd
he said he could never reach me
i realized we could talk to each other like when we first started seeing each other and totally forget our mutual friend
about movies that defined our generation that torched the child-like wonder in him
of course we talked about adjani's movies, the epitome of tragic heroine
he thinks tragic and beautiful is very much like me and that still embarrasses me
it was great to see him again after ...a year or two, i can't be sure
it was the day that i met another ghost of the past
life has its way of reminding you the remains
of what might have been
and what remains not
and bad timing in general
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
le histoire lecon
le histoire d' Adèle H.
i didn't lie. i am only paradoxical. Pls don't ignore me.
Everyone has had a paragraph on waiting. From Barthes to the World. To the poignancy of cliches. As lately as chanel ceased. To wait.k copied the whole paragraph on a paper. Was the hand mad as it wrote? As he walked towards his car. What became clearer was her anguish.
"i'll wait for you among books and strangers". i could have forgotten that line. It seems like a long time ago. What kind of childish wilfulness had enabled me to sit there? Reading the unbearable lightness of being? Thank you for killing that.
The shop closed at page --. You never came. i went home. i took supper. Showered. And slept.
Then i gave C a message. She called almost at once. And started cursing. All i could say was- "it was not his fault".
"j, why me?"
"why not?"
"j, tell me you said that..."
that was a long time ago
No reason. i just liked you. Really really liked you. Not anybody else but you.
-----------------------------------
Tell me something good about the world.
'' you exist''
i do
and that's hard for me to reconcile with the world
but you will never get it
yesterday you had your lesson on waiting. not the first nor the last. not a stretch. how excited you were to to let me know you had arrived. how you sat through the lesson waiting for my reply. when i didn't, you asked to see my table, of course i was not there, you said nevermind and that you would just leave a note. you had to make it quick but your mind was rather blank in the presence of your guide and my neighbour. so the guide said she averted her eyes as it was not nice to see and asked me if i've seen the note today. and my neighbour said he thought you were a vendor and wondered how the hell you got passed the security to my table and why was the guide being a guide. he said you said nevermind, you would leave a note, tore a paper from your writing pad, wrote something, left it on my table and left. disappointment. can you write disappointment? perhaps you came in your favourite shirt. in this story, we shall always disappoint each other. i never told you the time you asked me if i've dreamt of you. i did. you were always in a room and i was outside. you refused to see me and i left. it recurred a few times 3 years ago.
i showed my neighbour your note. we laughed a bit at his misconjectures. sometimes at a strange point in life, you realize the irreversiblility of your actions, that you have wounded someone. at that point, i almost did. i apply my love with childish cruelty. and a lot of pride. "not anybody else but you". what i realized was, no amount of words would assauge the brunt and any true feelings i might let on my part would be translated as mind-fucking. irony. it's ok, you can take it. i can take it too. 2 years ago, my therapist said one day i would drive you away for good. i would be incurably sad, of course. or just sad.
you might drive me away first. i thought you did, many times.
i didn't lie. i am only paradoxical. Pls don't ignore me.
Everyone has had a paragraph on waiting. From Barthes to the World. To the poignancy of cliches. As lately as chanel ceased. To wait.k copied the whole paragraph on a paper. Was the hand mad as it wrote? As he walked towards his car. What became clearer was her anguish.
"i'll wait for you among books and strangers". i could have forgotten that line. It seems like a long time ago. What kind of childish wilfulness had enabled me to sit there? Reading the unbearable lightness of being? Thank you for killing that.
The shop closed at page --. You never came. i went home. i took supper. Showered. And slept.
Then i gave C a message. She called almost at once. And started cursing. All i could say was- "it was not his fault".
"j, why me?"
"why not?"
"j, tell me you said that..."
that was a long time ago
No reason. i just liked you. Really really liked you. Not anybody else but you.
-----------------------------------
Tell me something good about the world.
'' you exist''
i do
and that's hard for me to reconcile with the world
but you will never get it
yesterday you had your lesson on waiting. not the first nor the last. not a stretch. how excited you were to to let me know you had arrived. how you sat through the lesson waiting for my reply. when i didn't, you asked to see my table, of course i was not there, you said nevermind and that you would just leave a note. you had to make it quick but your mind was rather blank in the presence of your guide and my neighbour. so the guide said she averted her eyes as it was not nice to see and asked me if i've seen the note today. and my neighbour said he thought you were a vendor and wondered how the hell you got passed the security to my table and why was the guide being a guide. he said you said nevermind, you would leave a note, tore a paper from your writing pad, wrote something, left it on my table and left. disappointment. can you write disappointment? perhaps you came in your favourite shirt. in this story, we shall always disappoint each other. i never told you the time you asked me if i've dreamt of you. i did. you were always in a room and i was outside. you refused to see me and i left. it recurred a few times 3 years ago.
i showed my neighbour your note. we laughed a bit at his misconjectures. sometimes at a strange point in life, you realize the irreversiblility of your actions, that you have wounded someone. at that point, i almost did. i apply my love with childish cruelty. and a lot of pride. "not anybody else but you". what i realized was, no amount of words would assauge the brunt and any true feelings i might let on my part would be translated as mind-fucking. irony. it's ok, you can take it. i can take it too. 2 years ago, my therapist said one day i would drive you away for good. i would be incurably sad, of course. or just sad.
you might drive me away first. i thought you did, many times.
Monday, July 16, 2007
point taken
"i 'm here"
many hours later
"i left before you came. med issue"
"nothing serious i hope"
"nothing serious about asthma. routine. i hope it kills me one day"
"yes it will kill you someday. could it be you became ill when you knew i was coming?"
"yeah, i timed myself with precision. and since you told me you were coming, i put away my favourite cards and pics lest you should chance upon my desk"
"be nice, asthmatic"
many hours later
"i left before you came. med issue"
"nothing serious i hope"
"nothing serious about asthma. routine. i hope it kills me one day"
"yes it will kill you someday. could it be you became ill when you knew i was coming?"
"yeah, i timed myself with precision. and since you told me you were coming, i put away my favourite cards and pics lest you should chance upon my desk"
"be nice, asthmatic"
noteworthy
after being told that a note was left on my table.
me: did you see any male stranger near my desk?
kok meng: yes
me: describe a bit if you don't mind. appreciate.
kok meng: average height and a wide squarish face with short hair. middle age looks.
me: goodlooking? was he sneaky?
kok meng: not to my standard. sneaky seems to be
me: haha thanks, buddy. that's him. it's good to hear your perspective
kok meng: insignificant my perspective.
me: o it helps. to see him through your eyes. see you tomorrow.
hahaha
so i got a visitor like i was in a hospital, jail, mental institution, rehab, cementery
my visitor did not come bearing fruits or flowers or well wishes
my visitor did not come with flowers to lament the loss of my soul as it rots
at my cold tomb, since 2 weeks ago, i started constructing a book monument, it fell into 2 blocks as lately as today
if you visit someone dear in jail who refuses to see you, you leave a letter
and many many letters
and you visit and revisit
if you were around the vicinity for work and happen to drop by, you leave a note
i suppose
me: did you see any male stranger near my desk?
kok meng: yes
me: describe a bit if you don't mind. appreciate.
kok meng: average height and a wide squarish face with short hair. middle age looks.
me: goodlooking? was he sneaky?
kok meng: not to my standard. sneaky seems to be
me: haha thanks, buddy. that's him. it's good to hear your perspective
kok meng: insignificant my perspective.
me: o it helps. to see him through your eyes. see you tomorrow.
hahaha
so i got a visitor like i was in a hospital, jail, mental institution, rehab, cementery
my visitor did not come bearing fruits or flowers or well wishes
my visitor did not come with flowers to lament the loss of my soul as it rots
at my cold tomb, since 2 weeks ago, i started constructing a book monument, it fell into 2 blocks as lately as today
if you visit someone dear in jail who refuses to see you, you leave a letter
and many many letters
and you visit and revisit
if you were around the vicinity for work and happen to drop by, you leave a note
i suppose
Monday, July 02, 2007
almost everything about you makes me smile
you tend not to take him seriously
laidback and juvenile
but sometimes he surprises you with simple truths
or his ability to say touching words that actually touches
and makes cynism seems, cynical
i wonder if i havent been a little unfair to him when i dissected his psyche under my own microscope
he reminds me of things i have forgotten that i have deliberately overlooked
he makes me wonder at the dysfuntionality of black humor
how we've chosen to be cruel to ourselves
" you din't enjoy it?'"
"no, it was depressing"
" yeah"
" the people were really depressed when they wrote that"
yeah, of course i know the people were depressed but why didnt it mean anything to me until now
he talks to me patiently like a therapist
as you know i can be a hard nut
" are you a therapist?"
"no, i'm trying to understand your problem better."
"that's very nice of you"
in fact after some q and a, i realize perhaps i don't really have that big a problem with school
lately i have found the face of a colleague totally irksome
in response, he says one must never hate, as it only eats one up and makes one miserable
it just sound so true when he goes 'don't hate anyone'
'i just found him irksome'
yeah, i won't hate him then
" just dun do drugs and no suicide"
"hmmm"
"dun hmmm hmmm around here"
"ok"
and he goes on like an old man
you can see me smiling a lot there
"i'll cherish you"
i just kept smiling
then i realize what a nice thing it was that he just said that i didn't expect or even wish for
he really injects the idea of postivity into me
he hopes we would always be like that talking, for decades, to the next millenuem
at this point i wanna tell him when i go, he must forget me
but i don't because for once, i recgonised, that would be cruel
i will cherish you too
laidback and juvenile
but sometimes he surprises you with simple truths
or his ability to say touching words that actually touches
and makes cynism seems, cynical
i wonder if i havent been a little unfair to him when i dissected his psyche under my own microscope
he reminds me of things i have forgotten that i have deliberately overlooked
cares a lot about how my hair looks, the last configuration
tells me it looks best pin up about five times phrased differently but somwhat similar due to the subject matter
the suicide notes that i found humorous are not so funny anymorehe makes me wonder at the dysfuntionality of black humor
how we've chosen to be cruel to ourselves
" you din't enjoy it?'"
"no, it was depressing"
" yeah"
" the people were really depressed when they wrote that"
yeah, of course i know the people were depressed but why didnt it mean anything to me until now
he talks to me patiently like a therapist
as you know i can be a hard nut
" are you a therapist?"
"no, i'm trying to understand your problem better."
"that's very nice of you"
in fact after some q and a, i realize perhaps i don't really have that big a problem with school
lately i have found the face of a colleague totally irksome
in response, he says one must never hate, as it only eats one up and makes one miserable
it just sound so true when he goes 'don't hate anyone'
'i just found him irksome'
yeah, i won't hate him then
" just dun do drugs and no suicide"
"hmmm"
"dun hmmm hmmm around here"
"ok"
and he goes on like an old man
you can see me smiling a lot there
"i'll cherish you"
i just kept smiling
then i realize what a nice thing it was that he just said that i didn't expect or even wish for
he really injects the idea of postivity into me
he hopes we would always be like that talking, for decades, to the next millenuem
at this point i wanna tell him when i go, he must forget me
but i don't because for once, i recgonised, that would be cruel
i will cherish you too
i am blessed
to have hm ard.... ok, and ke
almost everything you say makes me smile
that's a lot of smiling
i am lucky
to live and smile
everyday
i am glad
to have you around
everyone i love
(who loves me :)
"i will cherish you"
like ke said
it was simple and
child-like
he wouldn't like that
the thank you for smoking post
cheered me up
on the last day of vacation
and baby licking wire
and heat
how blessed i am to read about that
how blessed indeed
to see many beautiful moons to come
almost everything you say makes me smile
that's a lot of smiling
i am lucky
to live and smile
everyday
i am glad
to have you around
everyone i love
(who loves me :)
"i will cherish you"
like ke said
it was simple and
child-like
he wouldn't like that
the thank you for smoking post
cheered me up
on the last day of vacation
and baby licking wire
and heat
how blessed i am to read about that
how blessed indeed
to see many beautiful moons to come
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