if we stay away from each other

ít's not difficult
life goes on, i see my friends and some romantic intrigues here and there
days pass like that
and a day job of banal duties and amusing young adults
and sometimes friendships are found
and i no longer ask what's the point
what's the point of asking

if i stay away from you if i pretend not to hear you
i could go on like that
most of the times i don't reply
but once in a long while
i need to say your name to you
i need to hear you say 'J?'
and that would do
until you no longer beg me to talk

but last nite, i said a little more. "do you like the cd i sent?"

"i do. are you alright?"

i am not alright but that's alright. "yes. just wanna hear your voice"

"these days, i'm finding it hard to hear my voice"

i feel unsympathetic. "listen to yourself."
......

i don't think of you much and your voice no longer makes my heart skip
but sometimes when i hear it, it makes me want to weep
i wonder why
so i sent you the cd you asked for
a week late
but that's fine
everything good in life comes too late
i told myself if i never send it would be like you've never asked
but i did and signed off as trevlkovsky

i felt very depressed after talking to you
and saw keith on msn
i told him i was very depressed and not to reply
he did and said some amusing and uplifting stuff
and never pressed me for the reason
i told him i'm old enough to die
he said it's the lamest shit he's ever heard as i'm one of the youngest around
i said i thought last year that 30 is high time to go, how long and how low can the lows get?
and he said i look too young to be 30 soon and that this is one of those times that truth doesn't hurt...
i said smoking and drinking helps....
he said he's sure i would find the point of living
it sounds like crap but it worked
"sorry to bleed my guts on you"
"that's ok, i'm such a good listener. you should have a good rest."

that's keith, talking like our age gap has reversed its poles

the classmates

alix
stefanie
alix's plump friend whose name i can't recall
audrey and ramond
just to name a few
in the way that veronique is veronica
to help the pronunciation
they are all chinese

at the entrance, alix, who looks at me with bright eyes shaded by a veil of dark lashes
said " hi, you were not here last week. you were sick? how are you?"
me: yeah, fine, thanks. (killing my fag. first attempt at conversation)
he turned to open the door
and i rolled my eyes at veron behind his back
to which i realized the glass door have reflected

alix the looker who looks like the good looking tvb actor
not very likeable for me as he's too enthu and hardworking in class and sometimes answers too eagerly
i'm a slacker
i'm into slackers are are born good and can't help being so without even working at it

after les paux
the lift opened and the said classmates were inside
in the lift, alix's plump friend asked," you were sick last week?"
" i was just feeling lazy"
she kept quiet and i could feel alix's bright eyes
they sure have chemistry
she sounded like she was on her deathbed when the teacher tested her on conversation

my classmates are fine
the lesson was good, i was not tired
and i'm getting used to the teacher, yusoff

mon francaise professor

as he was addressing us
he began to fumble for a marker to make his point on the board
his hand moving on the table and in his sac
a short moment that seemed an eternity
then he found it and it fell under the table and rolled

je regarde il
he seemed like an old man searching for his marker
endearingly pathetic and goofy
though he's not that old and he doesn't look french

he picked it up
he wrote something on the board

i was smoking during les paux
when his face appeared out of the blue much like how hm had taken me by surprise 2 days before
anyway he said something about say gar yart (cigarette) and something else which he tried to illustrate by pointing to his head
so my teacher repeated that with different emphasis each time pointing to my fag and his head, enunciating the words
and my eyes got wider as i tried to make sense from his mouth to his hand
then he said in anglais- " cigarettes help you think"
started away, then turned around and said "" i hope it helps you think in french"
hahas
how unfortunate, it was supposed to be a smart line
if i had understood instantly and he didn't have to repeat

thank you for the tiramisu

i left it in the fridge and ate it on wednesday
and the loveliest smile
what a surprise!

time is running out

i made a compilation for myself instead
the more i listen to it the more sardonic it sounds

the dark rim of his eyelashes

late that night he said, make me a a perversely romantic cd

i closed my eyes and sleep

my heart did not beat violently i like such tasks

thinking about songs

or what it sounds like to lie there cold and dead in a forest near a lake, waiting for the someone to discover your corpse, knowing if he doesn't come, your soul will decompose. or just lie there cold and dead on the beach behind the rocks like laura palmer while the sheriff wept and unwrapped the plastic.

i thought, but all the romantic cds i made you are perverse and all the perverse, romantic

indignant,

i shook my head.

yes, i admit i make awesome compilations for my favourite shirts

recoil is out, too literal a dramaturgy

composing the dark rim of his eyelashes, it would have to be

some sounds from le locataire, elephant soundtrack, bow wow wow aphrodisiac, who knows, some beethoven- lettre a elise, au clair de lune, pathetique....something deliberately cliche, or sweeping nat king cole




and turen de wahrnehmng has to be in as it sounds like what a drown ophelia heard, underwater.

for ash who needs my shoulder

we sent each other stories

it's easier than answering 'how are you?'

when the cause of something like pain ask.

here goes

a man worked in a departmental store, handling complaints daily.
one day, a letter, not much different from the other complaints, moved him particularly.
he brought it home, analyzed the grammar, puntuation marks etc.
unfolding, reading, mulling, folding, unfolding, reading , you get the idea.
he began to compose a personal reply to her everyday.
and everyday, he did not send.
he did not know what she looked like.
he suspected he want to sleep with her.

who do you love?

a girl met a man at a party
she recognized him to be a misogynist at once
as he spoke he gripped her wrist so hard he left 4 bruises
" who do you love?"
" my cousin is going to be a nun. there is no one to touch her."
" i despise my therapist. the rapist."