this man

as he turned to the bookshelves to get something


i regarded him


i realized that's his back

i've never looked at him like from a distance or as a stranger

why do i desire my therapist

why do i desire to be desired by my therapist

this man who cuts an awkward figure in his shirt

he probably thinks he cuts a swanky and young figure in his shirt and jeans

he probably thinks a white shirt and jeans is foolproof

i cant place why it doesn't look as good as it should

is it the cut, or his figure,... he's not fat

why do i not desire to be desired by a more desirable man

nevermind he has aged a lot

i cant help but notice the spots and lines

he is so pleased with himself

why do i need to be read by a person like that

"are you taking good care of yourself?"

yes

he is so full of himself

he probably prided himself on taking great care of himself

from his gastronomic preferences to using matching aftershave and eau de toilette

whatever

indeed we are pathetic

there is a murakami character marveled by the protagonist and one day he realized the marveled character lives in his own private hell. he fucked around, was rich and intelligent, had an unique opinion about literature but took pride in nothing. you can guess what happened to him

i do not want to deride what matters to me

you matter to me but i despise you

and i despise myself